I’ve always wanted children. Even when I was ten years old I was broody. Before I had the Monster and the Minx I was jealous of those who had those gurgling, gorgeous bundles of joy. Now, don’t get me wrong here – I love my children to bits and would love a third, but I must admit that in the years B.C (before children) I may have looked on motherhood (and particularly the stay-at-home-mum part) through rose-tinted spectacles. Whilst that’s probably largely my fault – I saw what I wanted to see – I think that I probably wasn’t in full possession of the facts either. Perhaps it’s just me but I think there’s a minor conspiracy going on amongst mothers to hide from the world all the less than shiny, lovely parts of motherhood (except as part of tongue-in-cheek humour). Let’s face it, when talking to childless friends there are many things that we don’t want them to know.
- Life as a stay-at-home-mum does not revolve around day time tv. Not unless you count CBeebies.
MostSome days I don’t have the energy to provide live entertainment from dawn till dusk. Some days I consider it perfectly acceptable to let them watch that DVD. Again.
- The babble of children’s voices can be akin to the sound of nails being dragged down a blackboard in certain contexts – contexts which arise daily. Sometimes I wish my children had a mute button.
- A trip to the supermarket sans enfant counts as a night out.
- 11 pm is either way past my bed time or the only time of the day I get to myself. Do not disturb.
- I am still an adult though, and do still want you to invite me to join you on nights out. I may just get very tired very quickly.
- I can feel starved of real adult conversation and so will latch on to you when out and probably babble incoherently about the little darlings’ latest achievements/misdemeanours. You should also be careful because…
- Birth stories are permanently etched in my brain to be shared at the drop of a hat – and yes, it is painful. And there is blood. (Why did no one tell me about lochia until last minute!?). Just smile and nod.
- If I’m wearing matching underwear it is a coincidence, not forward planning or a signal of amorous intent.
- There is no amorous intent.
- Though once a proud member of the debating society, my daily coversations now generally include any/all of the following phrases (and ones like it): “Have you done a poo poo?” ”Bottom in the air so I can wipe it.” “Those brussel sprouts do taste like sausages.” “Will you please pull up your pants and stop flapping your willy about?” (That’s not always aimed at your son…)
- Though I’m an adult and understand that it’s not my fault, being called to the head teacher’s office about my child feels just as bad as being called there as a child.
- I work hard to make my children look cute, presentable and angelic in your presence. Normally they are screaming banshees.
- I no longer dream of Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp/Whoever is the current celeb of choice (I don’t know – I have no time to stay current). No, now it is Mr Bloom – the housewives’ favourite.
- I bought the latest smartphone so that I can fill it with apps to make life easier – ie kiddie games apps in the hopes that I might get 5 mins peace when I go out.
- Playdough is really annoying when it gets onto the carpet – which is almost guaranteed to happen.
- Teddies are pointless. Do not give me one as a gift. They look cute and it’s an easy choice but I quickly end up drowning in a sea of them and the children prefer to cuddle the same stinky toy in bed anyway.
- I love to see you but please do not invite me to your house unless you have hidden your precious things away because I will be unable to relax the whole time.
- Please don’t phone me because my children clearly see the phone ringing as a signal to break into World War Umpteen. They will also demand to speak to you on the phone. Texting me means I can wait for a (slightly) quieter time to respond.
- The best time of day is when I get to watch them sleeping, so peacefully. It’s hard to get my head round how I managed to make such wonderful little people. It really is a miracle every day.
What would be on your list?